Day 36 is Tuesday, April 15th. First of all, while everyone was scrambling to get their taxes done by midnight, I had done them a week ago after I told myself I will not go to sleep until this is DONE! And I did! I did go do training on this day, which I was surprised with in the morning, but I still got through it and it went really well! I also told myself, I would make at least some progress studying, ANYTHING, so I watched the first video in a series of educational videos before I slept. This made me happy on Tuesday.
Day 37 is Wednesday, April 16th. Honestly, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were all pretty tough days this week and I don’t know why. Still, I fought through the day, and I got through the day just like any other day. In the evening I was really sleepy but I still started the next video in the series and unfortunately fell asleep during it, but I’m still proud of myself for trying. I will watch through it next time! We all gotta start somewhere and its better than not trying. Gotta look at the positive side of things, and these things made me happy on day 37.
Day 38 is Thursday, April 17th. This day I also struggled through, but in the end I won and I was able to work a productive 8 hour day. Some days are tougher than others, and it is exhausting to go through this so often, but I’m still fighting and still telling myself I’ll make it, keep getting back up, and keep staying positive no matter what. My issues are small! I still live a life that many people are jealous of! I need to realize how small my problems are and appreciate what I have, and maybe not pressure myself too much during my difficult times, embrace it, and learn and grow from it.
I also learned I have made some good friends in the past few years. One of them contacted me on Thursday and we talked for a long time. He is an internet friend that I have never met IRL but we caught up a little and I decided to reveal that I am going through a hard time. He comforted me too, and even before I brought it up he asked me to meet in real life for the first time. I’m very honored and look forward to meeting who I consider one of my best friends out of people I never met. Its actually really weird how we met, probably a big fluke, or some mini miracle, but I always believed like minded people will draw themselves towards each other. I have to admit I’m a little excited to meet him. Finally, I was able to help my friend with her homework before I went to sleep. I can’t always be the receiving end of favors, so I’m glad I was able to help her.
I also went to Ocean beach and just walked around…I had forgotten how big this beach is. Not only side to side, but its also a long way between the beginning of the sand and the water. It was super windy but luckily I had enough clothing to stay for a little while anyway. There was actually a girl there wearing some sexy revealing clothing and it just seemed very cold for her…but whatever floats her boat. The walk helped as it usually does, outside air and a tiny bit of exercise. Either way, it was a good day and there were many reasons to be happy on Thursday!
Day 39 is Friday, April 18th. I was going to run an errand this day before I hang out with my friend mentioned above (helped homework), but it turns out Good Friday they are closed. I didn’t know places close on Good Friday!? It turns out the stock market was closed too! This is when I realized that Sunday (today, as I type this) is easter! Wow…never really understood easter, although when I was much younger we have gone on easter egg hunts.
So, I met this friend in the afternoon and we went to the beach. This friend has been helping me a lot through my issues, and we just laid down and talked about it a little. It was hard for me to talk about it, but I can still say I’m a lot better than I was a couple of months ago, although because the improvement is so gradual, its hard to notice, I’m glad I actually AM making progress towards getting better.
Journals like these make it easier to read my improvement, although I’ve had a lot of resistance to rewatching or rereading things from the past sometimes, for reasons I cannot explain. For the first time in a long time, I feel pressured by time and how much time I have left during certain stages of my life. I guess I should be grateful that at least I am a man, since if I was a women I’d also worry about my age for obvious other reasons that women might worry about that…
My friend and I walked on the beach for several hours, and we just talked, some serious topics, some random topics, but mostly about life and stuff. At one point, and I remember this part the most, she asked me to stand still, switched directions, and asked me if it was OK. I wasn’t sure what she was going to do…so I told her it depends what it is. Then, she just…hugged me…for a really long time. I didn’t hug her back…because as always, I am probably too hard on myself…but it made me relax and I could just feel, at least for that moment, like I didn’t have to worry about anything. I just stood there, hands in my pockets, getting a hug for probably a couple of minutes. The last time I hugged someone was someone very special, so I did hug her back, and hugged her twice, but for some odd reason, they were shorter, like I pulled away because I felt like I needed to…I wish I had hugged longer. To be honest, in my life I have not really hugged people for extended periods of time in several years. Funny how this just happened because earlier in the day I listened to a Kaiser Permanente ad talking about the benefits of hugging. Whatever it was, combined with one particular thing she told me about how girls act and think, it helped me move forward a bit. Something definitely made a difference because Saturday was definitely easier to get through.
Day 40 was Sunday April 19th. Wow, its been a while since I last updated! Today as I’m typing out day 40, it is actually day 47. I am planning on updating for the whole week soon, but I fear I may have forgotten a few days already. I’m hoping text messages and wechats can help me remember, combined with work logs.
On day 40 I drove down to meet a friend in the south bay, John. He and I recently met about a month ago after a 4 year absence from each other. I always felt like reconnecting with him in the past 4 years but it just never happened. Now I’ve seen him twice in the last 2 months, and its nice. I always felt like he was a cool guy that I could talk to, so it felt a bit wasteful that we haven’t caught up in a while.
We went out to eat a late lunch and played some video games and just talked a bit. We also went for a walk around his neighborhood in the evening, as the sun sets late these days. Since it was Sunday, I left a bit earlier, but I can honestly say I had a good time, and this is what made me happy on Sunday.