Happiness day 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, and 49

May 16th, 2014 No comments

LOL, getting pretty long on the single post multiple days there…

Day 44 is Thursday April 23rd. I remember this day I was feeling good and had dinner with a friend after work at Patxis. It was good! I had a good time. Although its been a long time since so I can’t remember anything else that happened that day (much), this alone made me happy!

Day 45 is Friday April 24th. This day I went to the Japanese Embassey while my friend went to the Chinese one. Although she arrived at her embassay a good 30 to 45 minutes before me, I was done in about 15 minutes and her visit took about 3 hours LOL. So long infact, that I not only went to the embassy, but also walked to the farmers market afterwards, bought a huge jar of honey, bussed back to J-town, and walked over to the Chinese embassey and she was still there hahaha…I guess the Chinese embassy is busy because the vast majority of people need a visa to get into China.

Monday the 48th I went to dinner with my friend Lingli. It was probably our first 1on1. I enjoyed it and talked to her briefly about some of my issues. Although she is not good at it, she tried to comfort me, it made me happy and told me she is not going to suddenly disappear on me.

Tuesday the 49th I had a sushi party at work and met DK on the way home at Goodwill. Bought a battery and installed it in my car.

Edit: Today is Friday May 16th. Haha…yeah I forgot most of the days inbetween, so consecutive days is not gonna happen. I assure you I was happy during all of those days though! LOL

Happiness day 36, 37, 38, 39, and 40

April 27th, 2014 No comments

Day 36 is Tuesday, April 15th. First of all, while everyone was scrambling to get their taxes done by midnight, I had done them a week ago after I told myself I will not go to sleep until this is DONE! And I did! I did go do training on this day, which I was surprised with in the morning, but I still got through it and it went really well! I also told myself, I would make at least some progress studying, ANYTHING, so I watched the first video in a series of educational videos before I slept. This made me happy on Tuesday.

Day 37 is Wednesday, April 16th. Honestly, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were all pretty tough days this week and I don’t know why. Still, I fought through the day, and I got through the day just like any other day. In the evening I was really sleepy but I still started the next video in the series and unfortunately fell asleep during it, but I’m still proud of myself for trying. I will watch through it next time! We all gotta start somewhere and its better than not trying. Gotta look at the positive side of things, and these things made me happy on day 37.

Day 38 is Thursday, April 17th. This day I also struggled through, but in the end I won and I was able to work a productive 8 hour day. Some days are tougher than others, and it is exhausting to go through this so often, but I’m still fighting and still telling myself I’ll make it, keep getting back up, and keep staying positive no matter what. My issues are small! I still live a life that many people are jealous of! I need to realize how small my problems are and appreciate what I have, and maybe not pressure myself too much during my difficult times, embrace it, and learn and grow from it.

I also learned I have made some good friends in the past few years. One of them contacted me on Thursday and we talked for a long time. He is an internet friend that I have never met IRL but we caught up a little and I decided to reveal that I am going through a hard time. He comforted me too, and even before I brought it up he asked me to meet in real life for the first time. I’m very honored and look forward to meeting who I consider one of my best friends out of people I never met. Its actually really weird how we met, probably a big fluke, or some mini miracle, but I always believed like minded people will draw themselves towards each other. I have to admit I’m a little excited to meet him. Finally, I was able to help my friend with her homework before I went to sleep. I can’t always be the receiving end of favors, so I’m glad I was able to help her.

I also went to Ocean beach and just walked around…I had forgotten how big this beach is. Not only side to side, but its also a long way between the beginning of the sand and the water. It was super windy but luckily I had enough clothing to stay for a little while anyway. There was actually a girl there wearing some sexy revealing clothing and it just seemed very cold for her…but whatever floats her boat. The walk helped as it usually does, outside air and a tiny bit of exercise. Either way, it was a good day and there were many reasons to be happy on Thursday!

Day 39 is Friday, April 18th. I was going to run an errand this day before I hang out with my friend mentioned above (helped homework), but it turns out Good Friday they are closed. I didn’t know places close on Good Friday!? It turns out the stock market was closed too! This is when I realized that Sunday (today, as I type this) is easter! Wow…never really understood easter, although when I was much younger we have gone on easter egg hunts.

So, I met this friend in the afternoon and we went to the beach. This friend has been helping me a lot through my issues, and we just laid down and talked about it a little. It was hard for me to talk about it, but I can still say I’m a lot better than I was a couple of months ago, although because the improvement is so gradual, its hard to notice, I’m glad I actually AM making progress towards getting better.

Journals like these make it easier to read my improvement, although I’ve had a lot of resistance to rewatching or rereading things from the past sometimes, for reasons I cannot explain. For the first time in a long time, I feel pressured by time and how much time I have left during certain stages of my life. I guess I should be grateful that at least I am a man, since if I was a women I’d also worry about my age for obvious other reasons that women might worry about that…

My friend and I walked on the beach for several hours, and we just talked, some serious topics, some random topics, but mostly about life and stuff. At one point, and I remember this part the most, she asked me to stand still, switched directions, and asked me if it was OK. I wasn’t sure what she was going to do…so I told her it depends what it is. Then, she just…hugged me…for a really long time. I didn’t hug her back…because as always, I am probably too hard on myself…but it made me relax and I could just feel, at least for that moment, like I didn’t have to worry about anything. I just stood there, hands in my pockets, getting a hug for probably a couple of minutes. The last time I hugged someone was someone very special, so I did hug her back, and hugged her twice, but for some odd reason, they were shorter, like I pulled away because I felt like I needed to…I wish I had hugged longer. To be honest, in my life I have not really hugged people for extended periods of time in several years. Funny how this just happened because earlier in the day I listened to a Kaiser Permanente ad talking about the benefits of hugging. Whatever it was, combined with one particular thing she told me about how girls act and think, it helped me move forward a bit. Something definitely made a difference because Saturday was definitely easier to get through.

Day 40 was Sunday April 19th. Wow, its been a while since I last updated! Today as I’m typing out day 40, it is actually day 47. I am planning on updating for the whole week soon, but I fear I may have forgotten a few days already. I’m hoping text messages and wechats can help me remember, combined with work logs.

On day 40 I drove down to meet a friend in the south bay, John. He and I recently met about a month ago after a 4 year absence from each other. I always felt like reconnecting with him in the past 4 years but it just never happened. Now I’ve seen him twice in the last 2 months, and its nice. I always felt like he was a cool guy that I could talk to, so it felt a bit wasteful that we haven’t caught up in a while.

We went out to eat a late lunch and played some video games and just talked a bit. We also went for a walk around his neighborhood in the evening, as the sun sets late these days. Since it was Sunday, I left a bit earlier, but I can honestly say I had a good time, and this is what made me happy on Sunday.

Happiness day 32, 33, 34 and 35!

April 14th, 2014 No comments

Hi! Another combined update, but I didn’t lose track of the events that made me happy each day! Passed the 1/3 marker! RAWR!

Day 32 is Friday April 11th. This day I got a couple things done like a car oil change. I noticed service in SF at least from the major well known corporations has kicked up a notch! For example Jiffy Lube service was really good down to the details like look you in the eye or open the door for you. Its the small things, but I felt they were well trained to provide good service.

Of course, after I got some things done, I met up with 4 other ladies and had some hot pot dinner in the Sunset (its a district, not the actual sun setting…for you non SF people that don’t know lol). Met some old faces and one new one that I had met on FB (the one I said was introduced through a friend of a friend). They all don’t speak English that well, but well, for some reason these are the kinds of friends I’ve had all my life.

I have infinite patience for people that have trouble speaking, which I guess other people sometimes do not, so I naturally never show frustration when I’m listening to people speaking struggling English. Its a theory, but I’ve had friends that don’t speak good English my entire life, and I think in a way this might be why, I have no problem with dealing with a language barrier. I know some people get irritated when people cannot speak English…but usually those people only know English. I think its kinda stupid to be honest sorry. So we did talk a lot about learning english since 4 of the 5 girls there were in America from China to learn English and many of them studied together or went to the same school.

Afterwards, one of the girls and I went to Ghiradelli to just sit and chat. The other girls decided to ditch us LOL so whatever, maybe it was a setup but I didn’t care. In Ghiradelli it also felt like service was really, really good! Is the standard of service (at least from major corporations) improved over the last couple of years!? Anyway, all of these things made for a very happy day!

Day 33 is Saturday April 12th. I actually had plans to meet my friend in the south bay, but he suddenly got work and let me know the previous day. Eventually it turned out that the work was taking a long time and he had to cancel, so I ended up going to JTown instead and discovered (through insane traffic grrrr…) that it was the Cherry Blossom Festival! I got there late so it was just finishing up, and I had to park like 7 blocks away (pffft…big deal). I remember one of the first things I saw was a Kendama gathering, some of them were pretty decent! I’m not that good…but I’m better than a beginner.

I went to Nijiya to look for bentos and due to the higher than avg expected volume of buyers, even though it was late they still had a lot of bento yay! LOL…and they were 20% off! I hoarded like 3 of them (I mean, they ARE perishable…otherwise I would of got a big stack of em…) and some Sakura mochi for a change. I sat in a nearby cafeteria like place and downed the curry again…haha I must have a craving for curry recently or I just always like curry. That was cool though! And this made me happy!

Day 34 is Sunday April 13th. Another tough morning, but had a really good chat with Jules this morning, and also happy birthday again even though its Monday now! Was supposed to study with Jade, but hey, she didn’t call or text, which was good LOL because I didn’t want to get up that early hahaha. I went to eat lunch with my dad at a nearby ish cafe (about 20 minutes by foot). I got a bagel with flavored cream cheese and a bunch of veggies, and we ate it outside as the sun poured down on as at a new outdoor eating area they have there. It was really a very comfortable temperature, but I think this sun exposure combined with more sun exposure later lead to very minor sun burn…

Later I drove down to SOBA (SOuth BAy…get used to it because I use SOBA and NOBA a lot lol) to meet with Jun. We ended up just walking around Stanford shopping center and Stanford campus. One thing is particular that I remember is that while we were on campus, an EXTREMELY positive student talked to us from behind and basically no matter what he talked about, it was the BEST THING EVER. He said he did some assignment where they go up to strangers and have them tell him stories. Although we only talked for a very short while, he told us about how he was learning about hacking your life. No detail, but I guess you can look it up on the Googles if you are curious…I haven’t yet. It was a nice positive booster for me to be reminded that sometimes, all it takes is a positive attitude and EVERYTHING changes. You can be doing the EXACT SAME THING and have it seem so much more exciting! After talking at the Stanford cafeteria he showed us, we talked for a long while, then made our long walk back to our cars.

Also, we visited a market where we scoffed at the $3 price tags for beverages…only to realize we are making a big deal out of $3. In our college days, sure, but screw that now! We both just bought whatever we wanted…and its cool we can just do that. We’ve graduated school and gotten to that point in our lives where we earn enough to be comfortable and don’t have to think about things like this. Ended the day chilling at his place until it was almost midnight…which was a little late but we had a lot of good discussion that helped me a lot.

Day 35 is today, Monday April 14th. Apparently people are scrambling tonight to file their taxes or an extension…but not me! Ahahaha Because you know what? I told myself last week I am doing my taxes TODAY and I’m not sleeping until I’m done, and I did it! So tonight I can relax.

Today I answered a craigslist ad for an item I really wanted and I got a reply to an offer I made that I thought was a little low, but he accepted! And on top of that I was able to just drive over and pick it up immediately after work, so that was cool! I really wanted this item so I got a pretty good deal and it was painless and fast. I was actually pretty happy about this haha. Today was a good work day, and the morning was not bad at all, which is usually the toughest part of the day for some unknown reason. On top of all that, I actually didn’t get much sleep the night before (~5 hours) but I was fine today! Usually 5 hours would kill me so I expected a really bad day today but it was fine! I feel really good today!

And now I’m all caught up! Every day is a happy day and these are just some of the reasons why!

Happiness day 28, 29, 30, and 31

April 14th, 2014 No comments


Again, posting before I forget what happened on these days!

Monday April 7th was day 28. This day started with one of the things I use at work everyday suddenly switch to a Spanish interface on me and I could not figure out how to fix it. It was frustrating in a way, but in a way it pretty funny LOL. For some reason I got a MASSIVE burst of motivation on this day – over the top to the point I burned out LOL, but it was good right, better than being depressed.

At the end of this day I met a cool new person on Facebook, it was pretty alright. Seemed to be a suggested friend through a friend I already had on FB.

Tuesday April 8th was day 29. Honestly can’t remember much from this day LOL. We did have a surprise training at work…so learning something is usually not as hard as actually working. Think I might have went to Jtown this day and bought a curry which I really enjoyed at home. Speaking of which, I feel like going today! Hope they have some left because its 18:00 and I’m still at work… (Update: They didn’t, but they had a tonkatsu one that I still enjoyed). The curry was good and it made me happy! Ahahaha!

Wednesday April 9th was day 30. It was an interesting day! I was chatting to Jun a lot during work, not really a tough morning, more like a medium morning. Mid day I had to go out to a place between work and home to teach (train) on our systems. On the way out the garage, met a Indian palm reader that started telling me vague BS that was actually rather comforting to listen to, but I was in a hurry so I left after like 1 min LOL but it was weird, he came up to me and said I look happy, then started going into his vague stuff that is kinda believable like those horoscopes on newspapers.

This evening I remember finding a video on FB where the thumbnail was not particularly interesting, but I watched it anyway because the caption was ‘life is best lived’. It turned out to be a very motivational video that just really worked for me and I feel so far it really changed how I think about my life right now and I had a lot of new thoughts about why I’m slightly less happy than usual.

Also this evening, a girl I met about 3 weeks ago and didn’t talk to at all since suddenly invited me out to go eat dinner over the weekend with 3 other young girls (which turned out to be 4 other girls). Went out of their way to make sure the date and time worked for my schedule, which was cool! Finally, although I NEVER drink alcohol, I was looking for a better whisky than Jim Beam because its so hard to drink and sometimes gives me headaches the next morning. Jun suggested this whisky called McAllen 12, which when I looked it up was $50 a bottle compared to $10 for Beam. I told him thats pretty pricey after he told me its relatively affordable! LOL…but guess what? Ahahahah yeah…I bought it anyway. Why not! It is a lot easier to drink for those times I really want some alcohol in my body to relax…but I still don’t like it. You could say I dislike it less…

Today, Thursday April 10th is day 31. Well, it was when I started typing this entry, but now its April 14th. I just made a draft so I don’t forget what I did that was happy for everyday! Well on Thursday I distinctly remember going to Golden Gate park at like 10:30pm to walk around with flashlights in the dark with a couple girls. Yeaaaah you know! No matter what you’re doing, do it with members of the opposite sex and its all good! Plus I have no work on Fridays so Thursday is like my Friday. We went to a dessert place afterwards and just chilled for a while. Probably got home around midnight. It made me happy and it was good exercise! We went up to the top of Stow Lake and we even heard a rustling homeless dude on the way down and it freaked out the girls…hahaha!

All of these days were very very happy!

Happiness day 23, 24, 25, 26, and 27!

April 6th, 2014 No comments

Hey hey!

Well, once again I’m getting dangerously close to slipping and forgetting my reason for my happiness on a day before blogging about it, but luckily I remember every day!

Day 23 is Wednesday, April 2nd, and actually I got sent home from work this day. That may sound bad, but actually my bosses just care about me and thought I was too bad this day and would be better off resting. Its hard to allow yourself to just take the day off because of professional morals you know? Instead I was able to really relax and get my head back on straight. My friend also came over to my house to check up on me and listen to my issues again (thanks for helping me so many times!). It really helps me to relax and get ready for the next onslaught that seems to get just a bit easier every day.

At the end of the day I have friends that won’t give up on me and forgive me for being crazy right now, a warm safe room to live and sleep in, roof over my head, and a job that forgives me for not being as productive as I once was, as long as I show and make a genuine effort to contribute as much as I possibly can every day. All of these things made me happy and grateful this day.

Day 24 is Thursday, April 3rd. On this day I bought Exploratorium after dark tickets after being invited to join by the same friend from the previous day. I figure meeting new people and being out and socializing is a good thing, so I decided to join them. I’m not saying I met any lifelong friends there, and at the actual exploratorium there were times I was alone due to how crowded it was (it was easy to lose people I was with), but the museum was really cool so even alone it can be interesting to just look around (if you haven’t been, this is one museum that is DEFINITELY worth the price of entry, and it was only $15 ‘after dark’ for adults.

This day was also one of the only days recently I can say I worked to full capacity and productivity (the same as when I was normal) for the full 8 hours. I’m happy that I’m slowly getting back to this point, and it is clear I am making progress to full recovery. I’m happy that I’m able to enjoy life and have great friends that worry about me!

Day 25 is Friday, April 4th. On this day I went to see an old friend in a city I rarely if ever visit (Vallejo). We just had an extended lunch together and I really enjoy talking to him. He is a little bit older than most of my friends so he really has a different perspective and more experience in life, and he is extremely interesting. I feel like I can really talk to him about anything if I really need it. I am lucky to have him as a friend.

I also really enjoyed the drive in both directions, driving up the Golden Gate bridge and in Marin. Although I don’t have a really nice fun car to drive, I still had at least a radio and it was very therapeutic. I love driving when there is not too much traffic!

I had plans on Friday evening but I decided it would be best not to overexert myself so I decided to cancel on my friends hot pot (sorry) and stay home and relax. I think it was the correct choice, and I was able to enjoy my evening and get some rest. I was really happy to see my friend and just take it easy on Friday.

Day 26 is Saturday, April 5th. On this day I met my Chinese friend and her new boyfriend and went to Muir Woods to hike. I enjoyed the hike very much, and her boyfriend was actually a really cool person, which is more than I can say about someone else…heh but I digress…

We also briefly went to the top of Mt. Tamalpais and since it was a really clear day, we got a really good view of the bay area from the top.

After dropping them off home, I actually had a really bad relapse, but at the end of the day I just got a nice hot pizza and had a nice meal and got home and just relaxed and dealt with my problems as best as I could. Overall, I’m still very fortunate that I have good food every day and a place I can relax and get some rest where I feel safe and comfortable. I feel like it helps me recover quickly. I had many reasons to be happy on Saturday.

Day 27 is today, Sunday, April 6th. Today I went to breakfast with my dad after taking my time to wake up. Despite the poor conditions from the previous day were still lingering this morning, and despite I woke up in the middle of the night, luckily I had some whisky which seems to work for me to have a small amount to calm down, relieve some of that tight suffocating feeling in my chest, and it also helps me sleep.

My Chinese friend from the previous day texted me in the morning so rather than hide my misery, I talked to her about it, and in the process seemed to come up with what I describe as an epiphany in a way to think about my situation, and it really helped me calm down and recover over the next hour or so. I actually also had a headache this morning, which I confused as part of the bad feeling, but it turned out to just be a headache, probably from the late night whisky and possibly some dehydration as a result. Whatever it was, it was gone in an hour or two.

And just now, I had a very therapeutic and good time with my friend from CCSF. Just kinda talked it out a bit, but also talked about some normal things. We ended up driving down the 1 to Santa Cruz and it really did not feel like 2 hours! It felt so fast I could not believe we were in Santa Cruz already! Walked around, had a nice meal, stopped by Trader Joe’s on the way back for a bunch of Dark chocolate (I hear it helps).

We also came across this really nice gas station. Yeah, I know its hard to explain but it was deserted, yet well lit, and just a very comfortable gas station to go to later at night. I know its just a gas station, but it was really nice. And got home without it being ridiculously late at night is always nice so I have some time to type out this entry, and just not have to rush into bed.

It was a really good day, and I’m very happy right now.

Speaking of bed, my new mattress should be getting closer and closer to arrival! I lost count but I think I am about a week and a half away! I am extremely excited to receive it and finally have the first good sleep of this year! Although maybe I did have a few good sleeps when I went to Hawaii. Those beds were decent I think…

Happiness day 18, 19, 20, 21, and 22!

April 1st, 2014 No comments


You thought I was gonna slip didn’t you!? Ha! I remember and jotted down each day, so here is day 18, 19, 20, 21, and 22!

Day 18 was Friday, March 28th. This day I was successful in cleaning more of my room. I also got some good exercise in walking all the way to Trader Joes (including backtracking 10 blocks at one point, meaning an additional 20 block walk!). Exercise is good for the mind and body, and this is what made me happy on Friday!

Day 19 is Saturday, March 29th. This one is obvious, went over to my one of my best friend Blian’s house to hang out. This is consistently without fail a happy day, and this day was no different. Had a nice talk at the end too about life and stuff. I’m happy that I have such a great friend in my life.

Day 20 is Sunday, March 30th. Started the morning in good shape and later in the day went to play tennis with my buddy. Exercise is good for the body and mind. Finished the day relaxing at home with a roof over my head and a warm, comfortable room.

Day 21 is Monday, March 31st. The highlight of this day was without a doubt the blackout at my house. Wh..whaaat!? What is so great about having no electricity!? Well, to be honest, I thought it would not be good for me to be in a dark home all alone, but as it turns out, it was incredibly therapeutic for me. I think its because there was nothing I could really do without power, so I was able to just relax at home and do….nothing. Since I knew there is nothing I could do, there was no pressure to do anything. I did everything I could like eat and drink and prepare my bed before I ran out of light, then I just crawled into my warm bed and texted some people for a while before I dozed off.

While it was cold outside, I had a gas heater, and bought a hot burrito meal at a nearby taqueria that had power (Actually, only my home and 2-3 homes in each direction didn’t have power, so it was a pretty small blackout). Imagine what people in third world countries have to deal with, and yesterday, rather than just thinking that, I REALLY understood how lucky and comfortable I was. The next day, I would go back to my job and work, too. I’m really pretty privileged, and its easy to take it for granted. I’m glad I could learn from this experience. I was actually disappointed when I heard the electricity coming back on in the middle of the night. Crazy, right? And this is what made me happy on Monday!

Day 22 is Tuesday, April 1st (today). Today was a typical day going to work, but you know what I realized? Today wasn’t so bad! I actually was able to will myself to be happy, and generally was SUCCESSFUL in being positive! Yeeaahhh!! I knew negativity couldn’t hold me down for that long, I’m literally bursting with positivity and it was only a matter of time until it came gushing out! I think the large amount of sleep might have helped. I also don’t feel as terrible every morning, whereas a month ago mornings were the dreaded time of day.

Its now about 8:20pm and I’m going to cozy up in my bed in my warm, heated room as the rain pours down and the less fortunate have to deal with the cold. Watch some shows I’ve been meaning to watch on my computer on my cleaned desk in my cleaned room (could still use some more improvements mind you). I also finally bought some sealing rubber and fixed a leak on my car. Not sure if it is effective, and I did a really ghetto job, but hey, how hard could it be to plug up a hole on top of my windshield? Its not a gaping hole anyway. Today was generally a FANTASTIC day, like I used to have before all this! How could I not be happy today!?

Thats not an April fools either. 😀

Happiness Day 15, 16, and 17!!

March 28th, 2014 No comments

Whooo! Slipping! The problem with letting this go too many days without jotting things down is the possibility to forget what I did that day. Luckily I still remember!

Day 15 was Tuesday March 25th. This one is easy because after work, a couple of us co-workers went out to eat Pizza and just talked about things. I learned a lot about our work from our more experienced co-worker and it made me appreciate our bosses more. It was nice to learn, and we just talked and had a lot of fun.

Day 16 was Wednesday March 26th. To be honest, this day was the day I was supposed to drive down and check out the car, but I found out it was sold. In a way this was disappointing, but I have to admit that in the condition I’m in right now, the responsibility of a new car would of been stressful, so in many ways it was a relief too. Plus I didn’t get much sleep that day, so it was nice knowing I didn’t have to stay out 2 days in a row. I came home and just relaxed. I do that a lot lately, almost out of need, but it was nice. Maybe I just need to take it easy and not force myself to continue as usual. I was also able to focus really well at work, and feel I had a pretty productive day! So, in terms of functioning in my daily life, I think I’m at the point where I can force it. I also got a lot of supportive emails and texts from my friend, and believe me, they cheer me up A LOT! So, that made me happy on Wednesday.

Day 17 was yesterday, Thursday March 27th. Again, I had another productive day at work, and things are getting easier every day. I’m figuring out how to deal with my condition better…you can think of it as practice. I’ve begun trying to control my emotions (many will say you cannot in this condition, and in some ways I agree, but I also disagree and refuse to let it take me over without a fight). The theory and idea behind it could get long, but basically I feel like even when you feel helplessly emotional, there is at least 1% or 2% control you have to make yourself feel better, then you should do it! I think it might be possible to train it until you can control 10%, then 50%, and eventually, force yourself to have total control over even extremely powerful emotions. In a way, I think this is a great opportunity to learn things I’m not normally sensitive to, or an opportunity to grow stronger at a much more rapid pace than usual. I’m not saying I want to stay like this, but I believe I have the power to make it better without resigning to ‘waiting it out’.

Also, yesterday I forced myself to clean my room A LOT! I just set a really high goal for myself and just kept cleaning and cleaning…and although I set my goal a bit too high, I got a lot done and genuinely can feel satisfied with myself of the progress I made. That being said, there is one more big bag of stuff I want to go through, and I WILL do it today, RIGHT NOW. In my current state, a messy room just feels even more colostrophobic, so its a strong motivator to at least do what I can to clean it up! If successful, it would be the first time in 10+ years that I could say my room is clean to a point that I’m happy with it. So, I had a lot to be proud of myself yesterday, and that made me happy.

Happiness day 13 and 14 (Sunday and Monday)

March 25th, 2014 No comments


I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but I officially began the healing process I think either Friday or Sat of last week (~20th of March ish?). In hindsight, if I had started it immediately, I’d be well on my way to recovery. I’m now on my 4th day today (Tuesday March 25th) instead of 6 weeks in. I’m a little concerned that I’m behind her by 6 weeks, but hopefully I realized in time to catch up and make the difference negligible by the time 2015 comes around. Yeah…its a long time ahead but that is what I’m preparing myself for. Worst case July of 2015.

On to the happiness for day 13 and 14!

Day 13 is easy. I met an old friend from my CCSF days. We used to hang out a lot, but haven’t seen each other now for about 2 years (wow, has it really been that long!?). It was really fun and a great way to just have some fun with someone I trusted. At the end of the day we went to treasure island (I started going a lot lately…I’m strangely comfortable there…but would not go alone just yet). I was fine most of the day unless we began to talk about her, but I still told him what I believe to be the majority of the story and he listened…and through long pauses holding back the tears, I got it out. I wanted him to know my story. I don’t know how many people I’ve told now, but despite it being more than a handful, it has still been pretty selective.

It felt like a good day.

Day 14 was a good day. Its one of the first days where I didn’t feel completely suffocated in the morning, and made it normally through the whole day without much issues focusing (though I still think about her fairly constantly, its no longer every single second of every hour of every day). I know its really cliche to say this, but in my situation, I think its really true that our situation is really unique and to this day believe it was big, tragic, unfortunate misunderstanding.

Anyway, I found a car I really wanted! Although I haven’t bought it, this got me pretty excited (genuinely!). I’m gathering a friend and the seller to go check it out tomorrow evening and hope its everything I’ve wanted. The exact car I want is very rare, so I’m excited if it is in the condition I desire. And for the record, I’m pretty sure it is not a emotional decision…though it may have some effect, I’ve wanted this car for a while even during my ‘normal’ times, and with my recent trip to Hawaii and driving a nice Hyundai rental car, I’ve re-realized how much I love driving, and how much my current car is (as much as I love how reliable it is) a boring car to drive…

Today I feel like I’ve taken one small step back in how I feel, but have maintained no contact. I’ve seen it being compared to getting off a bad drug addiction, and feel like this must be what its like. If I take it again, all the recovery process is gone, unless I wait until I’m completely better (that part is different from drugs I guess). I’ve read that just like drugs, after a while I’ll have withdrawals and stronger cravings. I am considering making the methods and items I have even harder to access, as a moment of weakness may leave me going back to square one. However, I have a couple of very strong mental reasons that will keep me on track. I need to keep up with her recovery, so that when 2015 comes around and we might be able to talk again, we will both be healed and be friends again.

So I am happy that I have made progress, and that I’ve found something to be excited about! (The car…). I’ll let you all know how it goes, I’m really planning on sticking to this 100 days thing.

Happiness day 12

March 23rd, 2014 No comments

March 22nd Saturday, is day 12 of the 100 days of happiness.

This one is easy, I met up with an old friend from back in my university days. That makes it sound SO long time ago…it actually doesn’t feel that long ago, but it was! I haven’t seen this guy for a little over 4 years!

We have kept in touch with the occasional email or facebook message maybe twice a year for the past few years and been hinting meeting up again, but due to his slight distance (~40 miles away?) we just never really got together to hang out.

Well, recently I’ve been reconnecting with a few old friends, I feel like trying to keep or rekindle the friendships that seemed like they were worth it, whether it was a past friendship or online person that I met but never really got to know, or lost touch. Not forcing anything, but began to talk to a handful of past or ‘never really got to know them’ friends to see if I missed out on anything. I don’t think its a bad idea, no matter what part of your life you are in.

Originally we were planning to meet for lunch, but I ended up spending the whole day with him. We caught up a lot and inevitably the topic of my current sorrows and thoughts came up a lot, but he was cool with it and listened and even related to some of it, and it was very therapeutic. I was careful not to overdo it and although I almost lost it at one point, I held it together. Although I may not see him often, he is a friend I want to hang onto.

And that is what made me happy yesterday, day 12!

Happiness day 10 and 11

March 22nd, 2014 No comments

March 20th is happiness day 10. The 20th was a Thursday, and although there were many reasons to be happy, I choose it to be that I started watching some shows/videos again. I particularly enjoyed watch Wong Fu skits I never watched in the evening, such as ‘Away we Happened’ and ‘When it Counts’.

I particularly enjoyed ‘When it Counts’. And it cheered me up and made me happy to watch this series. I laughed, and thoroughly had a good time. I like dance, and it was dance themed.

March 21st was yesterday, a Friday. I posted about an issue I’ve been having to a forum and got a very nice, very thoughtful response that someone took some time out of their day to read and think about my issue and answer it with much effort and advice. I also went for a couple of walks throughout the day and ended my day by driving down to the south bay area to hang out with a friend. I really enjoyed the time spent outside and the time spent driving and just listening to good music on the radio. So, there was a lot to be happy about yesterday.

I also finally put in my order for a new mattress! I’ve been sleeping on the floor the entire year due to fear my current bed will make my back hurt again. My back has now been fine for probably a little over 2 months, and its either the Advil I took for 2 weeks straight to clear some inflammation, doing crunches, doing pushups, or sleeping on the floor because my old mattress is so bad. Whatever it is, with the exception of the advil, I’ve been trying to keep everything up, but sleeping on the floor has been taxing to how well I rest at night. Unfortunately, the mattress will take about a month to receive, but its still progress because it would have taken a month even if I ordered it 3 weeks ago. I actually should of ordered it at least by late January, so it was really overdue and I’m glad I’ve taken a step in the right direction and hope I’ll be having great nights of sleep soon. In my recent state, it is really important that I sleep and rest well… but for now I can only wait…

Today I am (actually late already) for meeting an old friend from my university days. I’m excited and a bit uneasy to see him due to my condition, but I’m optimistic that the sun and the drive down will make me feel good for the meeting up. Hope I have a good time and don’t make him feel uneasy, because I actually haven’t revealed that I’m in this state. I think it will be a great day.